Thursday, June 30, 2016

I Left Home to be Who I Am

Day 1
Thursday, June 30th, 2016

Tonight is our first night in the trailer... It still feels like a vacation rather than a life change. Since the new owners bought almost all of our furniture, there's been no real sense of closure. My brain is telling me that this is it... This is my life now. We're officially wanderers... But my heart just isn't processing any of it.

So tonight, we sleep on our friends property, in the same sleepy town as our house. Gaining rest from days of non-stop errands and chores... Trying to find a way to emotionally process all that has changed.

Friday, July 24, 2015

I Touch the Sky When my Knees Hit the Ground

Some days, I'm just in over my head.

I've been feeling unfit for this job for quite some time now. I'm wise enough to know--My feeling of fitment for this divine task is directly related to how much time I spend with The One who gave me the task.

Motherhood.

It is the divine calling of dying to one's self.

Constant.
Consistent.
Continual.
Dying to self.

I am repeatedly humbled. On my own, crying tears in my car while listening to the beautiful prayer that Oceans is. In front of my husband, when I finally realize that God is trying to remind me of the humble place I have as a submissive wife.

Or like tonight... In front of my kids... Tears steaming down my face in humble gratitude.

Today was a day filled with (what felt like) a thousand burdens. Self-induced sleep deprivation, focusing on things that don't matter (like entertainment news--GOSSIP), my own selfish needs... All compounding into one, huge, spectacularly, impossibly, unsolvable problem.

Until tonight.

Tonight, I fell on my knees and wept for forgiveness. My children were casualties of my lack of submission to God's holy calling for my life. All day, snippy and grumpy, impatient and unkind, rude and demanding. I was a force, an ugly force, to be reckon with.

I could see the fear and uncertainty in my children's faces, and still that didn't deter me from the course I was determined to be on. The course that would destroy everything in it's path, including their security and comfort.

I bathed them, took dessert away, took a movie away, took their voices away by insisting they not speak a single word until tomorrow morning. Shouting the whole time. Acting like a crazy fool.

Not wanting to take away their prayer with me to our Lord, I fell to my knees and it all hit me with a wave of humility...

Tonight was the first time I have been on my knees in a very. long. time.

Embarrassingly long.

It's no wonder God took this opportunity to remind me of my place. A servant to Him, to raise His children rewarded to me. His arrows from my bow.

Shameful.

I need to remember this feeling. Remember that I fail without His council. Without his flourishing relationship. He carries me, how crazy must I be to jump out of His arms to try and navigate this deceptive, volcanic mountain on my own. Unknowingly jump out of His arms... Because losing my mind, this wasn't a conscious decision...

Lord, let my life be for Your glory, woven in Your threads of grace. I need You.

Friday, July 17, 2015

A Cup of Good Measure

Then Esau looked up and saw the women and children.
“Who are these with you?” he asked. Jacob answered,
“They are the children God has graciously given your servant.”
~ Genesis 33:5

I'm extremely patient with children who are not my own. I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm gentle. It's like something supernatural takes over and I'm able to handle the chaos with grace and tact that I just do not possess in everyday life. My own children are never beneficiaries of this Godly character unless other children are involved.

Why?

Why can I be so unbelievably loving with other children, but not with my own? How can I achieve the most supreme state of calm when other people's unruly children are running around... Children who don't know the rules are running around, making messes, spilling food and screaming? Am I worried about their judgment of me, about what they'll say to their parents? After all, who are their parents? They're other strugglers, just like me...

Yet, still, relationship with my children wains.

In a verse from 1 Corinthians 13, there lies conviction that touched my aching sinful heart. Pure, unadulterated, complete conviction: I am a clanging cymbal.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love,
I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
~ 1 Corinthians 13:1

With every shortcoming that I have--that I impress upon my children--I turn into a clanging cymbal. I am an unpleasant, nonsensical, eardrum grieving cymbal. I desire to be a better parent to my children... I desire to parent them like they aren't even my children at all...

But! If they aren't my children, then whose children are they? Whose judgement should I concern myself with?

God.
Jehovah.
Yahweh Shammah.

Aren't these children, God's children? In all holiness, these children are not my children at all... Not by a long shot. They were given to me, entrusted to me to care for, to protect, to nourish, to encourage, to delight in, to bring up in the ways of The Lord, to fully love.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I love these children with a small cup. A cup so small that one small splash empties it of all it's grace. I want to love the way that Paul tells me I should love, holy love, righteous love, God's love flowing through my soul, my words, my actions. This is the way I want to love the children God has graciously given this servant... Using His cup of good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over and poured into their laps.

This task is my obligation in the mission field I've been given as a God-anointed mother. It is the highest calling I can think of, to raise my arrows like a true warrior for God. Worth every tear, every sorrowful cry and every knee bent in holy submission to the God who will carry me through it.

Sunday, July 05, 2015

Love and Respect

Sometimes I wonder how hard I am to love.

What is it that people don't like about me? Is it something I can change? Is it something I should even consider changing? 

I'm so consumed with myself... Should I be less worried about how I'm feeling and only concerned with how I'm making others feel? Will that make me feel fulfilled? Will that make me stop thinking about how I feel?

Do I think about myself in a sinful way? Do I think too much of myself? Do I think I am more important than I actually am? 

I really don't know... 

Lord, please help me to figure this all out. I feel consistently alone, in parenting and in friendships. Tell me if I'm the issue in these relationships, Lord. Tell me if I'm the one who needs to change, tell me what needs to change. Help me to only have expectations with you, help me to not feel disappointed by the relationships in my life. Protect my heart, keep it soft. 

Friday, February 13, 2015

HE > i

I don't know what it is about my birthdays, but I always cry. Deep down, the depths of my soul must always place expectations on this day... I can always feel a difference in the way I think about myself a few days before my birthday... I'm always let down because of deep-rooted, misplaced, unmet expectations.

This year has been no exception. I'm only 6 hours into my birth day, and I cried last night. I cried over the thought of being let down on my birthday. What a petulant child. God must be so disappointed in my behaviour.

God knows how I feel each year and each year I let my birthday slide in and disappoint me. I don't want anyone to make a big deal out of it, but I'm disappointed when they don't. This year is a big year though, with even bigger expectations... But I don't want a party or a spectacle, I don't want a special vacation or fancy dinner... And I thought, that by not wanting those things, I would not have any expectations of my birthday.

Wrong.

Last night, I went through some discipline. Great, comforting and humbling Godly discipline. My relationship with Christ is much greater this year, and this is the year He has given me much needed discipline for my birthday.

On the day that The Lord chose for me to come into this world, I've made into a mockery of His creation. He created me specifically for this day, 30 years ago... On God's great calendar, He inked me in for THIS. EXACT. DAY. He knew that was the perfect day for my mother to be blessed by His miracle, for her to hear my cry and my need for her. He knew that was the perfect day to come into this world and start living my life full of freewill, to grow up and gladly accept His grace and my salvation. He's always been there for me, always waiting for me to turn around and take His hand and lead me on a journey of reliance on Him.

This is God's day.

If ever there was a day I should singing praises of God--not myself--it's this day. This is the day He let me exist in a world known to man, not just known to Him in my mother's womb. I can finally understand the praises that King David wrote to The Lord.

You shaped me first inside, then out;
You formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank You, High God--You’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration--what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
You know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, You watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before You,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.
~ Psalm 139:13-16

In my heart I'm trying to exalt myself above Him, on the very day The Lord chose for me. I'm trying to make others see how wonderful I am and trying to draw praise out of them for my own ego... I should be deflecting all the praise to God, let this day be the most amazing day because people will see my love, praise and admiration for God... They will see me lifting Him up instead of taking all the credit for myself.

Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, 
that He may exalt you in due time...
~ 1 Peter 5:6

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, 
and He will lift you up.
~ James 4:10

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, 
rather, in humility value others above yourselves.
~ Philippians 2:3

He must become greater and greater, 
and I must become less and less.
~ John 3:30

The always good and always faithful Lord has humbled me this year, what a wonderful birthday gift. If I can remember that this is the day He chose for me to be one of His miracles, I don't think I'll ever cry out of selfish ambition or vain conceit again...

Thank you Lord, for choosing this day, 30 years ago. You must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.